Celebrity Rehab 2, Episode 5

I'm a little late on my Celebrity Rehab recap and commentary, but I'm feeling better today and I'm up to doing my blog. So here goes....

Oh, dear, sweet, broken Steven Adler. I’m not female or human, but I’ll adopt him and be his mother. In fact, I’m going to talk to my mom about getting her to beat the crap out of his piece of human garbage mother. I’m sure she’s already thinking about it herself considering what a fucking bitch that Mrs. Adler is! She refuses to see how her actions have hurt or impacted her own son and to take responsibility for her actions. I’m sure she was hurt in life, too... and perhaps somebody owes her an apology. But the least she can do is own up to her actions and apologize to her son for her actions and how she’s hurt him, whether it was intentional or not. No real mother can sit there the way she did like a big old brick of ice and not feel somewhat responsible for her sons present state. She can’t see anything past herself. I’d like to utilize the "c" word here, but I know I’ll be in deep shit with mom if I do. I know she’s not fond of me using the "f" word but she’ll will tolerate it given the circumstances, but she’s not quite so forgiving on the use of he "c" word. But I’m sure my suggestion alone of using it communicates my depth of feeling quite clearly. It would just feel better to say or type it.

Dr. Drew is truly amazing. What a way he has of defusing a situation, all the while maintaining calm, getting all to quiet and focus. That whole Busey/Conaway stand-off was quite something. I think they should both go – they are way too disruptive to to the rest of the gang and their recovery process. I’ve coined the phrase "Busey-crazy", but now after Thursday’s episode, I see behavior in Jeff Conaway that mandates the creation of yet another phrase... and that is "Conaway-kookie." The man is clearly unhinged with dual personalities over which he has absolutely no control. I don’t think he even realizes how off the chart he is because he’s too busy calling everyone else crazy!

And I really like that nice Mr. Rodney King I really believe there is such a gentle soul inside that man. I know that there is anger and hurt beneath the surface, but all I see is this man who wants clam and peace and no conflict. He wants general niceness and mutual consideration among all. And who can blame him? Why can’t we all just get along?

No Worries

My dear friends, worry not. I am home and doing OK. I'm just very tired and waiting for my tests to come back so I can start on some medication to help me feel better. I'm old and I have to come to terms with this. I've lived a long time with only a health skirmish here and there - nothing major. This turn in health was inevitable. I am lucky to have avoided any probems all this time. Unfortunately, someone needs to help my mom accept this. She is NOT having an easy time of this and despite her incredible strength, I fear she will either fall apart or hide in a deep cave of denial. She is an emotional woman but likes to mask her feelings to be tough... so instead she'll get angry, deny she's hurting, say she doesn't care, pretend she isn't worried, act like something doesn't matter, go into all out bitch mode, and of course use insults, sarcasm and humor to deflect (her general MO in life) - you name it. Anything to avoid showing her vulnerability. But when it comes to me, she goes soft. I am her emotional kryptonite. So, I have saved up my energy this afternoon with naps so that I can spend some time with mom to reassure her that I'm ok and not going anywhere. We'll chill & cuddle in bed like we've done for 17 1/2 years and tonight we'll watch Dr. Drew together and be thankful we are not those people!

"Freaks R Us"

Entertainment news has reported that Michael Jackson may be too ill to travel or leave the house, thus jeopardizing his ability to tour in 2009 with the rest of the twisted Jackson clan. Personally, I never thought he was “well” enough to be out in public in the first place, but I think that’s another kind of “ill”. But I digress. The rumor was that he has pneumonia. Jackson’s publicist is now stating that Jackson does not have pneumonia. Well, pneumonia or not, I was under the assumption that all of Jackson’s body parts, systems and fluids have long since been replaced with some man-made synthetics rendering him impervious to any illness (beside mental), disease and making him totally germ resistant. I seriously believe if you were to poke the man with a needle, he would not bleed blood, but simply leak whatever synthetic platelet-less substance some scientist produced as the result of some field research in Baboodie, South America in the basin of the Amazon. Does the man not sleep in a tank wearing a breathing apparatus of recycled air and free of any germ and particles. I personally believe this air is combined with a gas derivative of formaldehyde which is necessary to preserve his body and keep it from falling apart or simply disintegrating. Anyway, back to this 2009 tour of the whole Jackson Clan. What freakin-ass kind of people would actually buy tickets to attend this sort of freak show? Is there not enough horror, enough imbeciles, enough senseless and idiotic behavior available on TV to fulfill this sick societal need for amusement? Humans, you are spiraling downward at a frightening pace. I fear you have all created your own doom are only serving to foster and fuel your own moral corruption. Do standards, dignity and integrity mean nothing to you?

Celebrity Rehab 2, Episode 4

OK, I have one word for Kenikie: "WAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Is is horrible that the man is in such pain emotionally and physically because of his back - of course. But I am SO sick of hearing him whine and bitch and moan. Go home, Kenikie!

I was so relieved to see Amber Smith’s mother accept some help for her own addiction. The co-dependency in that mother-daughter relationship is frightening! But both women need help... It’s Dr. Drew to the rescue!

Why is Rodney King there? I think I saw him all of 3 times in this episode and all 3 times he was helping Kenikie – massaging his back or shoulders, trying to make him feel better. I think someone should do something nice for that nice Mr. Rodney King.

I am no longer referring to Miss. Tawny Kittaen as Tawny... Her name is Julie. Julie is a good person. I wish they wouldn’t bleep out certain words or portions in their therapy... we’re not getting the full story. I feel as though if they’ve all agreed to be on this show, they understand the nature of the material that’s bound to come up and that the show should not censor certain information by bleeping out words or certain details. It’s not fair. Besides, I’d like to know who molested poor Julie so I can make a few phone calls to have him "taken care of."

I’m thinking of writing to Miriam Webster Dictionary and petitioning for the entry and validation of a new word/phrase in the English language: "Busey-crazy". It’s that wild-eyed, wackadoo hair, huge teeth and manical state of instability a person reaches.

Mean People Suck

My mom came home last night VERY annoyed and upset. She walked around the house all night saying how she can’t understand people, and completely baffled by how there can be so much human garbage among us. She was muttering “what the fuck is wrong with people?”… and then she was sputtering out ideas of revenge. I can’t repeat the things she told me because quite honestly the fact that those thoughts are rattling around in her brain and that she even can come up with this shit scares me. I was going to ask her what set her off and got her so worked up, but I decided that keeping my distance was best. I was a little leery about sleeping with her in her bed last night after having this new and disturbing insight into her mind and knowing what she’s capable of, but I figured I was safe – I’m her baby. I gotta tell ya though, I’m kinda impressed with her… she’s pretty creative when it comes to plotting revenge and torture. I should give Wes Craven or the director of Saw a heads up…. Mom could give them both a run for their money.

Groove is in the Heart.

Last night dad was teasing me as usual during my quiet time with mom – I think he does it because he’s jealous when her attention and affections are directed towards me and not him – and mom, as usual, came to my defense and told him to stop and leave me alone, but then she blurted out, “He’s old”. Hello!?! OK, I realize I’m far from being a kitten and I guess those middle age years have long since passed me by, but the years don’t take a toll on my spirit or my heart. I may not pounce after catnip filled toys, stalk straggly strings and leap carelessly from furniture anymore, but it does not mean my heart and soul can’t keep up. Like the Dee-Lite song goes, the groove is in the heart. I hear and feel the music and while my paws can’t keep up with the beat, nor can they learn new crazy dance steps, I am grooving 100% within my heart. I may be old, but I’m not down for the count!

Celebrity Rehab 2, Episode 3

I have been a tad remiss in blogging lately, but it’s due to the excitement and craziness going on at our house due to the impending house purchase… as well as the fact that I have just had nothing very interesting to blog about or anything I felt share-worthy. But, I have since watched Episode 3 of Celebrity Rehab and I now have tons I’d like to expound upon.

Tawny Kittaen…. I think I am in love with Tawny. Is it because her name is so feline-like? Perhaps… but I think that is only part of the appeal. I never used to like the woman… ever since her rise to fame after appearing in the Whitesnake videos and her marriage to Whitesnake lead man David Coverdale, she just annoyed the hell out of me. Every appearance of hers I found her just generally unappealing, unlovable and ugly, despite her exterior beauty. Well, it appears that age, life experience and going more than her fair share of rounds with addiction have made her a very beautiful and attractive person… both physically and in personality. She speaks very intelligently, with great empathy and care and consideration of others and she does have a certain inner glow or sparkle that I find irresistible. Her likability factor has increased immensely – if she can stay clean, I see wonderful things for her. And I deem her worthy and deserving of such greatness.

Gary Busey… Busey, Busey, Busey… head injury or not, I don’t believe he is in the proper setting and nor is he among the right group of peers in which to receive appropriate and effective treatment. His brain trauma is too profound, contributing too many variables and complications in his disease and his behavior. Dr. Drew can share with the group all he wants about Busey’s biological challenges, but it truly does NOT make him less of a source of annoyance. All is does is create a sense of obligation on the part of the others to expend more energy in tolerating Busey as they navigate his tumultuous and confusing behavior. He remains a major source of distraction and annoyance to all.

Jeff Conway. A total pathetic has been… can’t get out of his Kenikie and Taxi days. He needs to get out of the way-back zone and into the here and now. Also a drama queen if ever there was one. He’s more annoying than Tyra Banks. I saw previews for next week where he is calling 911 telling them he’s being held against his will… he’s a hopeless loser. Let him go home already. Moving on….

Rodney King & the red headed American Idol chick who is so not a celebrity that I can’t even remember her name… are they even on the show and receiving treatment or are they just fillers to take up space in group therapy scenes?

Steven Adler… OK, I can see how mom totally had the hots for him back in the day when he was with Guns and Roses. I can see the guy he must have been then, and I see a very kind and hurting soul underneath the exterior mess. I think the man aches to receive love and feel love. I also sense a great capacity and desire to give love. I would also like my mom to go beat the crap out of his mother.

Amber model girl. I can’t quite figure her out… gonna have to watch next week when Mommie Dearest comes to visit.

Sean Stewart. He comes off as this rich spoiled brat rock star’s kid who’s always had everything handed to him and never had to work a day in his life. I have issues with this and my ability to move past it is impacting my ability to empathize. I’ll need to know more about him.

Welcome All

It has come to my attention that there may be a few of our brethren out there who have been quietly following the blogs of Nuno, Parker, Bob & Tobey, but have been reluctant to provide any commentary, share their thoughts and feelings, do a little story-telling and interact with our fun group. I could hazzard a guess as to the reason behind their reticence to participate, but it could be any number of things, so let’s just skip all of the speculation and get down to business....

I openly welcome and encourage all fellow cats and dogs, who are literate and have access to a computer, to join in our blogging community. We are a community of fur and love, wet noses and soft paws, wagging tails and wagging tongues.... and we welcome you with open paws.

Mission Accomplished

Rufus was hanging out the other day, picking through the leaf piles looking for dropped candy from Halloween trick-or-treaters. He loves Snickers and Peanut M&M’s… I’ll have t remind him not to give any to Parker – dogs aren’t supposed to have chocolate. Anyway, while he was on his candy scavenger hunt, he overheard Mrs. Dirtbag from the Sanford & Son house talking to one of our good neighbors. The conversation has revealed the underlying cause behind their recent attempts at “home improvements.” It seems that Mrs. Dirtbag, the people who live in the house across from them (whom we’ll call the messy Rooster house) and the people who live in the corner house diagonally from the Dirtbags (whom we’ll call the broken down 80’s limo and jungle house) all got letters from the town addressing their infractions on the town blight laws. All three houses were instructed to address specific items respective to their properties.

Since then, there has been some improvement, but all three houses still look like ass. The Sanford & Son house now has a brown fence but it is still not fully enclosing the property so you can still see the disgusting contents of their yard. And, they have replaced that makeshift garage that they dissembled with a new one. Was Johnny #5 over there saying “Reassemble Stephanie. Reassemble.”?....

Now the Rooster House has never been quite so bad… they try very hard to keep the house looking presentable but it’s always cluttered, and I believe the main point of contention to be the roosters, of which they have more than one. Now contrary to popular belief, roosters do not only crow at the break of dawn. They do it before dawn and all throughout the day, up until dark. I don’t think having the roosters is illegal… only if the people are using them for cock-fighting, which would have to be proven. Dad laughs when I say cock-fighting. He’s so immature.

Now, as for the Limo and Jungle House… it also still looks like ass. This house has had a broken down circa 1980 model limo sitting on their front lawn since before the day we moved into the neighborhood. The house and limo have been left to be consumed by weeds and all sorts of plant life, including bright green moss. While it appears that the people who reside within the house have made an attempt to clear out some of that vegetation, the limo still sits there. I don’t understand the purpose of keeping old, broken down cars on your property. Will someone PLEASE explain this to me? Finding the answer to this question may be my new mission....

Election Day

I did not vote today. There are two reasons.... one being that both candidates suck ass, and two being that cats are not allowed to vote. So I guess I should really have no opinion on the matter altogether, but I do. And I will share it with you all. I feel that as an American, it is nice (in theory) that each dividual has the right to have a say in who their leader is. That being said and knowing how many Americans do actually vote, why are there so few choices for the position of president? There are millions and millions of people in the United States of America.... and collectively they can only present TWO (sometimes three) individuals to choose from? Something is wrong with this math. It does not make sense mathematically. So either the laws of math are non-existant in the election process... an idea that scares me given the ballot counting process probably follows suit. Or, the job of president is a really shitty job. How come we can get hundreds of thousands of moronic idiots to try out for and vie for the title of American Idol, yet we can only get two to vie for the position of American President? And when both candidates suck, we are told to vote for the lesser of two evils. Yeah, as if that makes a difference. Evil is evil. I'm glad to be a cat... I just vote for longer naps and more tuna.

Celebrity Rehab 2, Episode 2

Well, mom and I are all caught up on Celebrity Rehab Season 2, Episode 2. After a full evening of spell-casting and concoction-brewing, tricks and raising spirits from the dead, we hunkered down in bed to watch Thursday night’s episode.

OK, so first we need to address Busey. The man is clearly in the wrong place. He has sustained serious brain trauma that has severely impacted his ability to relate within normal social boundaries with others and this brain trauma has created a whole slew of neuropsychological factors that require very specific medication and treatment. I believe that all of the other addicts have enough to deal with and a hard road ahead of them that they do not need the extra burden of his presence there in rehab. His behavior is not only unsettling and unpredictable, but he is obviously causing a great deal of distraction and discomfort among the other patients. Busey needs a different treatment center that specializes in treating patients with brain trauma. His presence is only a deterrence to the treatment of the others. It’s not right to jeopardize the recovery of others because of just one patient. Anyway, does this look like a sane person?

Now for Kenike. I hate saying it, but the man is a lost cause. And I’m a little fed up with him. He pulled the same shit in Season 1: He wants to leave, starts ranting and raving, threatening to go, get’s everyone else all worked up, makes everyone corral around him and talk him into staying and telling him what a great guy he is. The guy is a egocentric, ego maniacal, self-pitying addict who wants to wallow in his own disease. I say let him. And let everyone who WANTS to get better, get better. They’re better off without him around. And what’s the deal with his vampiress girlfriend? Yikes!

I’m a little concerned about my mother. Normally she’s got a pretty good head on her shoulders, but she’s starting to talk about wanting some one-on-one sessions with Dr. Drew. And I don’t think she intends to take up a drug habit in order to do this....

Happy Halloween!

Today is Halloween, and it belongs to me. I am so excited. You can’t tell just from looking at me because it’s a cool, contained excitement you need to be a cat in order to recognize. You see, felines don’t get over-emotional or wear their emotions as dramatically and brazenly as humans and canines do. But it is MY night. I am a wicked ass black cat. The entire world fears me and bends to my every whim. No one dares to cross my path. I am a harbinger of bad luck… and destruction and chaos arise in my wake. Mischief and malevolent high jinks are my trade… and tonight I am truly alive and whole within my realm. Long ago, our witch mistresses would be ostracized by society and burned alive at the stake in the public square, where the community including children looked on in horror. We black cats were tortured and killed if captured. I honestly can’t understand what made them fear our mystical powers so. My mom is a witch, however, in today’s world she’s called a bitch. Luckily, they no longer kill bitches….but rather society simply does not give them respect and admiration their talents deserve.

Halloween is not just about costumes, candy, jack-o-lanterns, apple bobs, bonfires, and parties as my dim-witted, dopey canine brother would have you believe. It’s about magic, spells, hexes, supernatural forces, the sprits of the dead, séances and wreaking havoc upon the unsuspecting. Tonight my mom and I will gather around her cauldron and cast spells on the underlings who walk the earth among us.

By the way, the song “Thriller” is NOT an acceptable auditory icon with which I want Halloween to be associated. Halloween does NOT need a theme song, let alone a song from that freak Michael Jackson. While freaks may seem quite fitting with the spirit of Halloween, Michael Jackson is a different kind of freak. Hence, we do not want the association. If I hear “Thriller” one more time today, I am going to put a hex on Michael Jackson. Although considering his long history of unconventional and outright bizarre behavior, I don’t think there’s anything I could do that would make people even bat an eye. I could give him the head of a frog and people would just think it was another one of his plastic surgeries. He needs to just disappear. Hmmm, there’s an idea. Now if I can just find that spell, my jar of goat vomit and stash of warthog hair….

Curiosity Can't Kill Me

Well, it’s official. We’re all clueless. We cannot figure out what the hell is going on over at the House of Garbage next door and what exactly has spurred the sudden clean-up and home-improvement kick they’re on. Don’t get me wrong – the place still looks like ass. However, much to my surprise they have actually COMPLETED the painting of the fence… in its entirety. Not only is it the only intact structure on their property, but it’s the only thing that is one unified single color. To say that I'm amazed they have completed this task is an understatement, as it has been my observation that the only thing they’ve ever successfully completed was a six pack of beer.

You know that saying about curiosity killing the cat? Well, first of all I am curious beyond belief. Second, I am too old to be afraid of death… besides, I am as indestructible as I am beautiful. I will probably out live everyone I know. So, that being said, I need and will get to the bottom of this all. I have decided to run an ad in the Daily Beagle for a dog of any breed to be my mole. I believe all three dogs at the house are male, and I am torn between hiring a male or female for the job. A male could infiltrate, act as best buds and they’ll in all likelihood let him in on what’s going on around there but it would take time. However, males are quick to exclude or reject possible new members for the most ridiculous reasons. Males also are not so willing to share outside of their own little private societies. Also, you get more than 3 of them together and they begin functioning on 2 single brain cells between the three of them. It’s a collective stupidity tank. Another downfall and erhaps the worst of all… they may actually end up luring another male into their world, rendering an otherwise intelligent and moral male completely useless… making him one of them.

Now a female on the other hand, providing she’s hot, but not a whore, could get them to divulge even their deepest darkest secrets. Males become the weakest creatures on the planet around a female of their species. They also become more stupid, if that’s at all possible. So maybe a female will work best. Now how do I make sure she’s not easy? If she lets any of them hump her too soon, she’s out of the game. This particular female wil have to will power and moral fortitude to resist their sexual advancements as well as her own female urges. Once a male gets what he’s after, he’s got no use for the female. As long as she holds out and keeps them captivated, tongues lolling out of their mouths, drooling like hapless fools, she can get all the information she wants.

Yep, definitely need to hire a female for the job… if it’s to be done right.

Love, exciting and new.... come aboard, we're expecting you....

You ever just have a song stuck in your head that will just not get out no matter what you do? You think about everything else in the world BUT that song. And you sing or hum just about every other song you know hoping that it will replace or dislodge the one that’s stuck or just erase it altogether. Sometimes it works. You go about an hour without a single note, not a trace of music or a song in your head... and then something happens that shakes the tune back into your consciousness or nothing at all happens and you just find yourself absentmindedly singing it again out of the blue. And it always happens to be a completely hideously annoying song. Usually a product jingle, or even worse, a TV sitcom theme song. I have had the theme to the Love Boat stuck in my head for the last three days. The song in itself is not a bad one...but when I sing it, it sounds like Larry the Lounge Lizzard in some smoky, tacky Las Vegas dive. If this persists, I don’t think I can go on living....

Dr Drew - Season 2, Episode 1

Well, I am convinced that Gary Busey is out of his ever-lovin’ mind. The man is certifiably, feather-plucking insane! And it can’t all be from drugs. We are talking the result of major head trauma here. It’s actually really very sad. Head traumas and brain injuries really screw a person up. We’re talking major need for neuropsychotic medications here because their wiring has been jostled around. To an extent, it’s not their fault. I mean, the guy was manic and completely off the wall with every word and thought coming out of his mouth. You look in the man’s eyes and you can tell there’s no connection to reality. I got anxious and nervous just watching the guy on TV... I couldn’t imagine what it must be like being in a room with him. I’m amazed and astounded, however, even more so by Dr. Drew’s ability to handle Busey and the situation and ambiance he creates. The way Dr. Drew recognizes, takes control of and diffuses a situation or issue without drawing attention to the issue at all. He makes a silent, seemingly simple and casual pre-emptive strike. I love his facial expressions and responses as well. The man is a master with addicts. I love this man. If I was gay, I’d be IN love with this man. Besides, have you seen him in a t-shirt?!? Holy crap! The man is pretty ripped for a nerd! I think my mom secretly has the hots for him and dad just thinks that mom likes the drama of the addicts, but what she really lusts after is Dr. Drew Pinsky. Sensitivity, brains and a hod bod... What’s not to like? I bet he’s ultra passionate in bed and attentive to a woman’s needs.... Just what every woman wants.

And that Rodney King. Wow. All I can say is that I really feel for the guy. You know, I don’t like the fact that this show makes an issue of these "poor celebrities with drug problems and how it’s an overwhelming and increasing epidemic among them". That’s horse shit – there are millions of Average Joe Citizens who have these same exact problems ad it’s an increasing epidemic within society! I do not feel bad for these celebrities. What makes them more deserving of anyone’s attention and empathy? However, I do feel for Rodney King... especially if his addiction problems resulted from the beating and living the aftermath. Technically he’s no celebrity. He was Joe Citizen who never asked to be in any spotlight. And did you see how when Dr. Drew asked him vaguely about any "physical incidents or injury" how King didn’t even acknowledge the beating. Awful! This will be a season to watch.

Celebrity Rehab 2

Last night I tuned in for the new season of Celebrity Rehab starring my favorite Addiction MD, Dr. Drew Pinsky. Unfortunately, I passed out after 15 minutes… being in bed with mom is so warm and cozy, there’s nothing better. Relaxation and comfort overwhelmed me and I was a gonner. Luckily, mom recorded the show, and we’ll watch it in its entirety tonight. I must say I am amazed by the condition of some of those celebs. Steven Adler?!!!…. Mom used to want him in a major way when he was the drummer for Guns & Roses. I’ve seen his picture from the CD jacket – Whoa! He looks like something definitely chewed him up and spat him out… repeatedly! And forget drugs – I’m convinced after seeing the first 15 minutes that Gary Busey must have endured more than one brain trauma and/or head injury in his lifetime. That, my friends, is not the sole work of drugs!!!! Tawny Kittaen most definitely had work done on her. Too bad one of her procedures wasn’t a lobotomy. Anyway, tonight should be most entertaining.

Speaking of rehab… even in the midst of this new season’s premiere and long list of troubled patients, Dr. Drew did take the time to phone me personally to discuss Lenny and Squiggy’s progress. While both made it through detox, Lenny is withdrawn and silent in therapy. He is reluctant to share with other patients in group therapy, and even with Dr. Drew during their one-on-one session he remains guarded. It’s still early in the process, so Dr. Drew is being optimistic… sure that in time he will open up. Squiggy, on the other hand, takes on a strong participative role in both group and individual therapy. Dr. Drew is amazed by his ability to connect with the other patients and is very supportive of them. His ability to empathize and still remain objective and thoughtful makes him very popular among other patients. Dr. Drew deems him to be one of those special few who are natural-born confidants… the one to whom others innately are drawn and open up.

Well, time for a snack. I think I’ll munch on some of those roasted pumpkin seeds….

A Masterpiece

Ta-da! My Halloween jack-o-lantern masterpiece is complete. Not only was I blessed with great looks, but I’ve just tapped into a new talent... pumpkin carving. And the wonderful thing is that I’ve got Parker to do all the gross stuff and the grunt work. He removed all the pumpkin guts and was in charge of cleaning up all the little chunks of pumpkin shell as I toiled away, channeling my inner Michelangelo. Now wait a minute, don’t get me wrong – I am utterly fabulous, but I’m no Michelangelo. So right now, Parker’s in the kitchen rinsing the pumpkin seeds and salting them. Mom won’t trust him with the oven, so she’ll have to roast the seeds for us. Yum! Anyway, I’m thinking I’ll put my masterpiece outside by the front door and once it rots, I’ll stuff it with poop from my litter box and have Rufus drop it from a tree onto the white trash neighbor’s truck. Treats for me, tricks for them!

What Would You Do?....

I’m lying here on a very dreary and cold autumn day contemplating what I would do for a Klondike Bar. Just how far would I go? In the commercials, people do senseless, trivial stuff like imitate a monkey. Yeah, as if that’s a big stretch for most humans…. both by basic theory of evolution and physiology, and then mentally. Humans are not the most intelligent creatures on the planet and they tend to embarrass themselves easily and far too often. I’m continuously amazed by this fact. One would think that after 17 years observing the moronic behaviors of humans, that I would be unphased and unshockable by their actions. But they just keep plummeting in intelligence and dignity as they achieve new levels of idiocy. Take for example American Idol. I’ve watched the tryouts… forced myself to endure a few hours in the attempt to understand the hubbub and bizarre fascination with it. Suffice it to say, I just don’t get it. All I saw was frighteningly large masses of people very eager to make total asses of themselves on national television in from of millions of viewers. I understand that many of these morons are doing it as a ruse, for their own amusement… for the sole purpose of having the slim chance of their brief clip of ridiculousness being aired on television. And for this slim chance, they really don’t mind acting like assholes. They have no shame. And then you’ve got the poor clueless, tone-deaf buffoons for whom you almost feel sorry… the ones who succeed in making complete spectacles of themselves and who suck, but truly believe with every fiber of their being (and some with actual endorsement and praise from family and friends) that they are good. And some spectators even feel compelled to tears as they watch their reactions as Simon, Randy and Retardo Paula squash their egos and rip apart their performances.

So I wonder… how low would you go? And would you do it for a Klondike Bar?

...and hence, a fence!

Rufus has advised me that the dirtbags next door have been banging away all weekend at their "renovations". They have replaced only some portions of their rotting fence with new prefabricated fence slabs and left the other rotting ones there to, well, rot. I guess they have some half-wit system of determining which portions were in a worse state of decay and in more need of replacement. Staying true to form, in a pathetic half-assed, white-trash attempt to fake out passers-by and those who have more than 4 functioning brain cells, they have decided to camoflauge this now half rotted and half brand spanking new fence (which makes it a mediocre piece of crap fence) with brown paint. Now, I’m not quite sure why making this fence uniform in its appearance is of any particular concern to them...

You see, the shack they live in has four sides. Three of these sides have been refaced with aluminum siding in a surprisingly pleasant neutral shade of beige while the fourth is only half done with the unfinished portion left a blaring smurf blue. This has been like this for more than a year and a half. The shack also has a roof which has been re-shingled. Well, partially. To date, only 3/4 of the roof is done. The rest of the roof is covered with a plastic construction tarp, in that wonderful shade of smurf blue, which is held down by some strategically placed cinder blocks. This, too, has been like this for more than a year and a half. I’d like to reserve some optimism here in regard to the roof, as I believe it may get completed because at some point in the near future they will need those cinder blocks to support one of the many broken down wrecks they always have littering their yard.

So back to the fence, I’m not surprised by their choice in color - brown - it’s dark and it will cover all the dirt and rot and crap. But I’m willing to bet a lifetime supply of tuna that we will never see a completely brown fence. They will get half to three-quarters of the way done and just stop painting. And along that fence line, where they stop, something smurf blue colored will magically appear. You just wait and see....

October

October is my favorite month. Autumn truly begins, the air becomes cool and crisp, there is the delightful aroma of wood-burning stoves and fireplaces, the deliciousness of mom baking things with apples and pumpkins, mums decorate homes in their wonderful fall hues, there are days of apple picking and hay rides and corn mazes, hot mulled cider, a month of horror movies on cable TV in anticipation of Halloween and, of course, there is Halloween itself. I’m not big on candy, and being as stunningly handsome as I am, I feel it’s a sin to don a costume which would only mask my natural beauty. Instead, I take great pride in the basking in the glory of being a black cat. This is the only time of year that you can find any merchandise in stores bearing a black cat and the only time that people think black cats are cool... let alone give black cats a single thought. We’re a novelty, really. The rest of the year it’s all about tabby’s, soft grey kittens, siamese, calicos, etc.... everything BUT black cats. I could go on about how wrong this is, but I’m more than 17 years old and this is a fact of life to which become accustomed and simply accepted. It is what it is. But I’d like to take this opportunity to let everyone know that first and foremost, black cats are not unlucky or evil. Also, we do not bear any magical powers or ride on the backs of booms with witches. We are every bit as lovable as other cats. We just have a bum rap because the whole Halloween connection. So the next time you see a black cat, please think nice thoughts... we are not evil. And, have a happy Halloween.

Now if you'll excuse me... I must go as I have to get some eye of newt for a new potion I’ve got simmering in the cauldron, and I’ve got some eggs rotting to perfection so they’re just perfect for pelting at trick-or-treaters.