My Dearest Hound of Hackensack

I’ve been implicated and falsely accused by a certain Hackensack canine as uneducated in matters of the stock market… and I assume he also believes me to be just as unknowledgeable of worldly affairs as well. What he and his fellow canines fail to realize is that we felines know quite a lot about matters such as these. It is our lack of involvement and interest in these matters that leads them to this hasty and greatly erroneous accusation. You see, felines are amazing creatures with superior powers of adaptation. Have you ever seen a dog hunt? OK, let me rephrase… have you ever seen a dog successfully hunt? The answer is no. Dogs are noisy, rambunctious and overzealous. Their impatience and clumsiness doom them from survival of their own accord. They would not survive on their own were it not for humans. They need the humans to manufacture dog food, to earn money to buy the food, to use their opposable thumbs to open the food container and to then pour the food into the respective serving vessel. Without humans, canines would starve. They are also quite emotionally needy. Yes, yes… we all have emotions, feelings and needs. But these creatures behave as badly as grown men with the hang nail. He whines and bellows in supposed pain and puts on a performance worthy of an Oscar. “Oh woe is me…” Puh-leease! We cats, on the other hand, are far more emotionally evolved and secure. Contentment is found in simplicity. Solitariness is not lonely or scary. We do not sulk and give into feelings of insecurity or inadequacy simply because no one has given us attention in the past 2 hours. We can adapt to any situation, any environment. And we don’t whine about it. We are also able to climb trees to get out of harms way. We are self-sufficient. Not only do we take care of our own hygiene, but we hunt our own food. We are iconic creatures of stealth and precision. Canines, you watch us for hunting tips. Bring home your own meal for change (digging remnants out of the trash can does not count, nor do free handouts you extracted by from bleeding heart humans by giving them your poor sad puppy face, nor does eating your own vomit or poop). And by the way, when you DO catch something while hunting, your supposed prey has already been shot dead by your human and what do you do once your retrieve it? You surrender it completely by dropping it at your human’s feet. You just don’t get it, do you?

Native American lore speaks to the loyalty of the dog. It is said that long ago, the earth rumbled and began to shift, creating a great chasm in the earth’s crust. Man stood on one side, all of animal kind stood on the other. It was the dog who chose to leap over the chasm to stay by Man’s side. This has been interpreted by humans as a sign of dog’s loyalty. ~ sigh ~ Simple creatures; simple minds. Here is what I see as the first and last sign or act of intelligence in canine history. The dog knew that if he did not stay with the human, his kind would perish from the earth. To put it bluntly for those on the canine level, you’d get your asses kicked, my dears, by the elements of nature and larger, more fierce and/or cunning creatures. What your ancestor did was neither an act of allegiance or bravery; it was a knee jerk reaction born purely out of fear

I harbor no ill-will or feelings of hatred towards any canine. It is to no fault of their own that they are dim-witted. Besides, I believe the real reason canines choose to be educated in matters such as the stock market, political events, etc., is not so that can make a difference in the world nor serves as a means to support themselves one day, but rather because they fear their humans will not accept them if they don’t share their common interests. Hey dogs, when’s the last time your human drank out of the toilet with you?