Curiosity Can't Kill Me

Well, it’s official. We’re all clueless. We cannot figure out what the hell is going on over at the House of Garbage next door and what exactly has spurred the sudden clean-up and home-improvement kick they’re on. Don’t get me wrong – the place still looks like ass. However, much to my surprise they have actually COMPLETED the painting of the fence… in its entirety. Not only is it the only intact structure on their property, but it’s the only thing that is one unified single color. To say that I'm amazed they have completed this task is an understatement, as it has been my observation that the only thing they’ve ever successfully completed was a six pack of beer.

You know that saying about curiosity killing the cat? Well, first of all I am curious beyond belief. Second, I am too old to be afraid of death… besides, I am as indestructible as I am beautiful. I will probably out live everyone I know. So, that being said, I need and will get to the bottom of this all. I have decided to run an ad in the Daily Beagle for a dog of any breed to be my mole. I believe all three dogs at the house are male, and I am torn between hiring a male or female for the job. A male could infiltrate, act as best buds and they’ll in all likelihood let him in on what’s going on around there but it would take time. However, males are quick to exclude or reject possible new members for the most ridiculous reasons. Males also are not so willing to share outside of their own little private societies. Also, you get more than 3 of them together and they begin functioning on 2 single brain cells between the three of them. It’s a collective stupidity tank. Another downfall and erhaps the worst of all… they may actually end up luring another male into their world, rendering an otherwise intelligent and moral male completely useless… making him one of them.

Now a female on the other hand, providing she’s hot, but not a whore, could get them to divulge even their deepest darkest secrets. Males become the weakest creatures on the planet around a female of their species. They also become more stupid, if that’s at all possible. So maybe a female will work best. Now how do I make sure she’s not easy? If she lets any of them hump her too soon, she’s out of the game. This particular female wil have to will power and moral fortitude to resist their sexual advancements as well as her own female urges. Once a male gets what he’s after, he’s got no use for the female. As long as she holds out and keeps them captivated, tongues lolling out of their mouths, drooling like hapless fools, she can get all the information she wants.

Yep, definitely need to hire a female for the job… if it’s to be done right.